She was in class 10 when she could put a finger on it.

The eldest child of the Bakash family was born on 12 September 1976; later, the family had five more sons and a daughter. The eldest and the most confused… for born as a male, it never felt like one. The difference it felt from early on often gnawed at its mind. It grew in love with dressing up as girls, loved all the make-up and felt attracted to boys. It was the 90s and the awareness was not so widespread. Subsequently, the neighbours and relatives complained to her parents to admonish what they felt was bad behaviour. “You are spoiling the reputation of the family,” they would say.

By class 10, she could put a finger on what society felt wrong yet felt right to her! Fortunately for Sonakshi, she had support from her parents. They did scold her in front of the neighbours, but later on, took her in confidence and told her that she would always be their kid. Her father did, however, take her to see a doctor. “My father took me to a doctor, who suggested therapy sessions. I told my father that I do not have any disease, and the doctors wewon’t help.” He then stopped taking her for the sessions.

“Those days, people thought that being anything other than male or female was a communicable disease. So, I used to avoid functions and weddings in the family.” Though her family was supportive, she remembers being taught to fear the hijra community. “When I was young, I too used to hide behind my mother on spotting hijra community (chuckling).”

Despite pressure from their relatives, her parents stood by her like a rock. “I never had to run out of my house as my parents always supported me.” In fact, her father advised her to spend her life as she wanted… without revealing her identity.

In the early school days, there was not much problem as it was a government school, and all the children sat on the floor together. But during high school, it became tough. She was teased and isolated and many did not want to be associated with her. But she had the support of a couple of helping friends. “But I probably felt some sexual tensions and so had to move away from them too.”

However, she wanted to continue her education. “I found it better to graduate from an open university. I found my subjects in Dr. B.R. Ambedkar Open University. I also took a Diploma in Multipurpose Health Worker in 1994.”

In her 20s, she had met a few members of the community, who used to crossdress, frequenting the Bagh-e-aam – the Public Gardens. One of them convinced her to become her disciple; Sonakshi later referred to her as Guru Bhai. They took her to introduce her to a senior who agreed to accept her as a disciple. Thus, she joined the community. “Thanks to my parents for my upbringing, I was able to interact with them well. I liked it there, dressed up as women were. They were all very mature and conducted themselves well. I realised that’s where I would fit in.” She then went for the occasional congratulatory work, record dancing, etc. “Though I did not have many clothes, I loved dressing up as a woman and it gave me immense pleasure.”

She went to an MSM meet organised in the city where she met like-minded people and felt heard and understood. It was sometime in 2009 when her parents passed away. “I never felt the need to move out of my house as my parents are my strength till now and even now, I feel their presence with me, hence I never refer to them in the past tense. They are always with me.” In fact, after them, she became prone to panic attacks and had to take counselling.